This blog is going to be the best therapy...

I've been trying to figure out what to write about lately. I know what I *want* to write about, but I can't. Not now. However, there's something else that's been on my mind. So, I figured I'd make this post a little less heavy. This is going to be a for-warning for anyone who wants to get to know me. I'm laying it all out on the line. This way, no more questions will be asked; no more things will be assumed; and no one will EVER be surprised by what they're getting themselves into when it comes to being a friend of mine, exec. So, here I go...

My name is Autumn Danielle Lee Kea...or Hill. I'm still playing with the idea of that whole thing. Legally, I'm Hill. Inside, I'm Kea through and through. I'm 22 years old. I was born the day before Halloween, and some years, Halloween is celebrated on my birthday. Honestly, I love it when that happens. We always have the best food then and of course, dressing up like a crazy person on my birthday is always a plus. I'm a mom...my. I'm a mommy. I have two beautiful daughters, Lillian Ireland Lee Hill & Kealan Claire Hill. They are my life. Literally. They are what pumps life through my veins every day. It's amazing what a smile from a little baby can do to your spirits. They are my heart and soul. There is nothing in this world that I wouldn't do for them. They come first. They're always first. I'm not a partier, I don't drink, I don't smoke, I don't do much at all. I'm boring for my age. I'd much rather sit on the floor, bundled up in blankets watching Nick Jr. late at night with my girls than going to some club with friends.

My family is amazing. They'll do anything in the world for me. The feeling is mutual. My parents love me with everything they have, however if I do something stupid do NOT think that they're going to tell me I'm right. They'll love me and support me, but if I'm being stupid, they'll tell me. My sister is a lot older than me, but she's one of my best friends. Every time we are together, something goes down. Not kidding. We have the WORST luck when we are together, but it is always hilarious in the end. We definitely keep each other laughing. Her husband, my brother-in-law, is less like an in law and more like a real brother. I've known him most of my life...longer than I haven't known him. He's probably the nicest person I've ever met. My nephew, is a tall one. Haha, he's a sweetheart. I love him to pieces even though I have a feeling he's going to be taller than me before his third birthday. :) I was never super-close with my grandma, but she's the only grandparent I've ever had. I love her so much. She's sick. I definitely regret not spending as much time with her as I could have.

I'm smart. I'm really smart. Don't underestimate that, and please don't ever try to hide that part of me. I'm common-sense smart and I'm book smart. The biggest mistake anyone could ever make is to think I'm not as smart as I am. I'm a huge nerd. I love history. EVERYTHING about history makes me happy. I love writing. I've always loved writing. Making stories up and writing them down has always been great therapy; taking me to another place and another time, where I can be someone else and solve my own problems flawlessly. I also write songs. Not only that, but I sing too. I sing pretty well. I could make it on American Idol, but honestly, I'm terrified of rejection. I'm artistic and creative. I'm very open-minded. I don't like to judge a book by its cover, but I've been known to do it. I do feel guilty when I'm wrong about someone. Yet, when I'm right about someone I can't lie, it feels nice to be right.

I love intelligent conversations. I love photography. Music is amazing. Shinedown is my favorite band of all time. I love all kinds of music; it just depends on my mood. I'm religious. I don't attend church that much, but I want to do that again. I miss it. I talk to God every day. I pray to God every night. I'm not a perfect person, but I try my best to do what is right. I would do anything for anyone; especially people I love and care about. I love to do good things. I'd rather give than to receive. I love the feeling you get when you do something nice for someone and you see the smile on their face. I'm not a liar. I've learned from other people, that lying only hurts you and everyone else much worse. Not even white lies. There's no point. If you have to lie about something, don't do it. Honesty is the best policy in my eyes.

I'm Republican. I'm pro-life. I won't shove my beliefs down your throat, so don't do it to me. I'm going to school for Medical Assisting. I want to broaden my horizons and go for my RN license. Eventually, I want to be a Delivery Room Nurse for the babies who are recently born. I love kids. I love babies. There's nothing that can bring someone more happiness than to see a little kid smile. I just love it. I also love the part where I get to act like one for a little bit when I'm with them. I love to see life through their eyes as well.

Here's the dorky part: I love video games. I love The Sims. I love Oblivion, Fable, all of those kinds of games. I will also play racing games, and Call of Duty or Halo too if I'm asked to. I'm good at board games too. I love to play those; especially trivia games. LIFE is probably one of my favorite board games. Monopoly...not so much. I like it, but it frustrates me to NO end. I'm not a clean freak, but I do my best to stay as organized as I can with an 8 month old and close-enough-to-two-year-old running/crawling around everywhere. If there are dishes to be done, I'll put them off until the girls' bedtime. Spending time with them is much more important than having a museum clean house; but I do keep it clean, just saying. Haha. I hate laundry, though. I go through with it, but it has GOT to be the worst chore ever invented. :(

I'm extremely ticklish on my feet. So bad, it takes everything I have to sit still for a pedicure. My hair is usually never the same color more than a month. However, the color I have now...I'm slightly head over heels in love with it. I'll try to grow my hair out, but honestly, short hair suits me. Oh, and for the last time, my eyelashes are naturally long. Not fake. I'm asked that a lot. Makeup is my art. I change it as much as I breathe I think. I love the outdoors. I'm not a hunting-girl...but I'll go fishing. I'll stay outside all day if I can. Nature is just beautiful to me. I tend to see beauty in the oddest things too; hints the photography thing.

Here's the biggie: the insides. I have trust issues. Especially after recent events in my life, my trust is virtually gone. I've had my heart broken more times than anyone should; and more brutally than anyone should. There are some things on my mind that I will never comprehend someone else being able to do to anyone; let alone the person they love and the family they "love". If there's one thing about me that I want anyone in the world to know other than the fact that I have the most amazing little girls in the universe, it's: when I love, I love completely. I love whole-heartedly. I love without holding back. I feel that love should never be a "just while we're dating" thing. It should be fairy-tale love all the time. The person should give you butterflies at the sound of their name. You should never stop trying to impress that someone, regardless of if they think you need to impress them still or not. They should love you for who you are good and bad; and want to change nothing. You should do the same. I've half given up on love. I've almost come to terms with the fact that I'm probably never going to fall in love again. I don't blame myself, because frankly (excuse my language) I'm one HELL of a catch. I blame him. HIM being every guy from my past. HIM: the one who decided it would be fun to break my heart...the one who decided to mend my heart because of the douchebag before him; only to break it after promising not to. It's not my fault if I'm alone for the rest of my life. It's the fault of the people, not even guys, sometimes friends, who have shown me sometimes you really can't count on anyone you THINK you can.

I'm scarred. I'm hurt. I'm really hurt. I haven't cried in over a week. Not saying that I don't get the feeling to cry; I do; but then I think about my girls. I think about getting through school. I think about bettering myself and my girls. I think about all that we went through and how much HAPPIER we ALL are now. Then, that feeling of crying goes away. That burning feeling that stretches from your chest to your throat to your nose and triggers the tears to fall...it disappears as if I had never been hurt. It fuels the fire within me to show everyone that I'm stronger than this. I'm bigger than this. I can take this.

That's one more thing about me: I AM STRONG.
And I'm not going to let anyone have the power to break me ever again. That power rests with me and me alone.


If you've taken the time to read this entire thing; you're either SUPER bored, or...well that's the only explanation. I feel better after this. I feel like this is helping me come to terms with WHO I am and WHAT I'm going through. This blog is going to be the best therapy....