tomorrow is a new day after all...

I'm extremely tired. There are things going through my mind right now that I thought I was over thinking about. Then, I realized something. I'm far from being done thinking about things. I'm far from being okay. It doesn't mean I'm not strong. It doesn't mean that I want it back. It means that I'm healing. The only time I ever really feel sad is when my girls go to bed and there's not that happiness to make me smile or let me know it's all okay. I can't tell you how many times I walk in their room at night to kiss them or just watch them because they make me that happy. They take all the bad away.

I don't want to cry again. Tonight is the first night in a long time I've felt that feeling. It hurts. It hurts really bad, but I know I can't get better if I don't deal with it. I've never been one to sweep things under the rug; and that's how I've tried to deal with this and it's not making it better. I have to deal with it. I have to deal with the fact that my heart is absolutely shattered.

My heart is broken.

I'm going to get very truthful right now. Like I said previously, this blog is my therapy right now. It's like talking to someone who won't interrupt you with their own opinions. Yes, I'm mad. Yes, I'm hurt. Yet, one thing people tend to forget is that I was in love. I had plans. I had dreams. I wanted to grow old with someone who didn't want to grow old with me. I was taken so high, just to be left hanging. I never expected it. I wasn't prepared. In my head, I was going to be buried next to this person. I was going to get grey hair with this person. I was going to raise my daughters with this person.

Then the rug was ripped from under my feet, and I fell flat on my face. It's humiliating. All I can think is are people looking at me like: "What did she do wrong? She couldn't make someone happy...how pathetic." It's embarrassing to give something all you have; believe every word someone says just to have them make you look like the stupid one for believing them. Promises were made; promises no one should ever break.

I keep thinking about the day I met him. The day he proposed. The day we got married. The day I found out I was pregnant. The day he left. The day he came back. All the moments in between and since. It just hurts so bad to know that my fairytale gave me the finger. How do you trust again after that? One minute everything is fine; the next minute you're hearing "I don't love you". Those are the most miserable words to ever hear.

I've held it back so much. I haven't cried. I thought being strong meant not crying; not hurting. But it means the opposite. It means dealing with it. Moving on and just getting past what is hurting you. I don't want it back. I'm happier now than I was in a situation that was unhealthy for many, many reasons, which I will keep to myself. It's just the thought that two and half years ago...I thought I had my last first kiss. I thought I found "Him".

I will never regret it. I have the most amazing little girls out of it. They are my life. They make me so happy; and I do everything in my power to just see them smile or laugh. They're my reason for everything I'm doing right now. I can do this by myself if I have to. I'm not afraid of that outcome. I'm not afraid of anything...nothing scares me but love. Love scares me now. I don't ever want to see its face again.

I never thought the entire year he was deployed that I would ever again wake up without him next to me. As angry as I am, no one can change the fact that I had a life with him. I had kids with him. He still has my heart...parts of it at least. I'm slowly taking those pieces back. Then, I'll slowly start to put them back together again...in between raising my girls and going to school. I'll get better. I'll get stronger. I'll move on. But I didn't want any of this; I'm the one that's still in love but forcing myself to move on because it's the best choice for me and my girls.

It's just a crappy situation. I hate it. I don't know what has happened to love these days. People take it for granted. I know I'll be happier again. I can't say I'm not happy now, because I am. It's just the memories that make me cry, make me sad; make me wish this was just a bad dream. It's reality, though. I'm doing my best to suck it up and be strong. But, I think I deserve one bad day out of the past month. I think I owe it to myself to let things get to me at least one time. I already feel better getting it out.

Now, I'm going to go snuggle in bed next to my babies, pray, and go to sleep. Tomorrow is one day closer to starting over.

Tomorrow is a new day, after all.