“Experience: that most brutal of teachers. But you learn, my God do you learn.”

C.S. Lewis is a smart man, I have to say. “Experience: that most brutal of teachers. But you learn, my God do you learn.” No statement rings more true to me right now. People can tell you things about life, however you will never fully grasp the concept until you go through it yourself. It could be a good experience, and in some cases it is. However, in some cases, like mine...it's not.

I was talking to a friend the other night and I told her everything I've been through "really puts things in perspective". Everything that I have been through has not only shown me what I deserve and what I shouldn't settle for; but it has shown me what is important in life. It's not about the fun or the money or the love. It's about family. It's about my daughters. It's about living. That's it. That's my opinion of the meaning of life: to just live.

I've been sitting here all night going back and forth between emotions of strength and sadness. It's just been one of those nights. I sit here and I think back to everything I've been through. I wonder, why me? What did I do to make this person treat me that way? What did I do to make them want someone else, talk to me that way, break my heart? What did I do to this person to make them want to walk away from a life we built, especially a life where our family could be in its retentivity every day?

I'm not regretting anything I said or did. I don't regret a thing that has happened. However, moving on is difficult when all you can think about is the hurt from before. You've never been enough for someone; ever. They've always wanted more. They've always called you names. They've always been mean to you. That's all you ever know as far as relationships go, so how in the world are you supposed to go back out there and trust someone again? Am I ready to date? Yes.

Am I scared?
More than anything.

It's not just my heart and feelings on the line anymore. It's my daughters' as well. It's just a scary thing to deal with. However, the second part of that quote comes into play here. You learn with experience.

Maybe I didn't learn what I was doing wrong in their eyes; and it was probably nothing. Yet, I've learned what to look out for. I will be so happy to talk to someone and they'll say something that sends up a red flag and my interest in them or the conversation is way past gone...very fast. I have like a sixth sense for BS, if you catch my drift.

One of my closest friends assures me it will get easier to live with from here on out. I know she's right. It's just the right now and battle with being strong or...not so strong...that is bugging the bajeezus out of me.


[and p.s. for the crazy people who may read this; no I'm not dating or thinking about dating...it's just a blog. it's just my thoughts. don't read into things so much. ;) ]