Faith is taking the first step, even when you don't see the whole staircase.

I don't know what's up with me lately. My best guess is that when he left me, I was so mad and confused I thought I had gotten over it and I was this big-bad-strong woman who could do anything. Well, I know I can do anything (it's a little thing called 'faith'), but as far as being over the situation myself and my daughters were flung in against our will? Yes, I'm not over that part yet.

I think the longer it's been since I've seen him and everything happened; the more real it becomes that I'm getting a divorce, that I haven't worn a wedding or engagement ring on my finger since April 30, 2011 at 8:30pm - that I am going to possibly end up raising my daughters on my own...the more that comes out of the dark about who I was married to, and what happened that I was completely clueless to and the lies that I was told....the more all of this happens; the less "over it", I get.

When you get married it's supposed to be forever. You're supposed to make a family with that person and be happy with that person forever. Everything that comes from their mouth is supposed to be gold. If they say they love you, they should. If they say you're beautiful, you are. However, that's in my mind. That is how I wanted marriage to be. My mama and daddy have the best marriage. I'm sure they get on each others nerves from time to time, but they love each other. My dad, I'm sure became overwhelmed at raising two girls and being married. I'm sure he did. He was young when he got married too; but he was a M.A.N. about everything. He never walked out on my mom or my sister or myself. He's always looked out for everyone other than himself. My mama, is the female version of that. Their family comes first and they respect each other along with that. I think that's why I held marriage on a pedestal. There are fairytales. I wanted my fairytale; and I mean when you see a handsome guy in dress blues, the first thing you think is: Yep, that's Prince Charming.

Well, have you ever had a piece of candy that looked AMAZING...then you unwrap it and it's all rotten? Yeah. Well, enough said about that subject.

I think that's why I'm not over everything yet. I'm not dwelling on the past, so to speak, I'm just asking myself "Why the HELL did you stay so long?" After Ireland was born, the answer to that is easy: because God knew I was going to have Kealan, he knew she needed to be a part of our life and world and us a part of her's. After Kealan was born...I don't know why I stayed. The easiest reason is the stupidest reason: I was madly in love with someone who didn't love me back.

When the girls are napping or in bed and I'm watching grown up TV, because usually my days consist of Nick Jr or Disney Junior, I find myself drifting off thinking about everything. I have so much on my plate right now and I can handle it...I'm taking it on HEADON...but the thing that bothers me is how someone who knows how much you love them and who is supposed to love you could lie to your face every.single.day. The worst part of being lied to is knowing you weren't worth the truth.

Today was a bittersweet day. Things came to the surface and came to light that I'm glad did. It hurt like the dickens to hear it happened; but I'm glad I know. I'm glad the truth is coming out; and I'm thankful for this relationship because if I ever mend this heart of mine, I will know what to look out for next time. I will know who NOT to fall for next time.

However, dating is the last thing on my mind right now. I'm focused on starting school Thursday...the beginning of my fresh start with the girls...and stressing like crazy over this custody thing that is going to drive me insane. Sometimes I wish I could have just done things differently. It would make this process muuuuch easier. However, love makes you blind to all sorts of things, so I'm not going to blame myself. God knows what he's doing and what's going to happen. My good friend told me just to take all my problems and put them in God's hands and they will work out the way they're supposed to.

I think that's the best advice I've ever been given.

I don't go to church much, nor have I really ever. I mean, when I was little we did for a good bit, but for some reason we stopped. I'm going to go back soon. I want to go back very soon, and I want to raise my daughters in that environment. Not a cliquey church full of hypocrites, but one where people actually believe in God and live their life that way. I think that was another fault in the relationship; I was more of a faith person. He wasn't. I wanted to live my life as a GOOD person. I don't smoke. I don't drink. I very very very very very rarely cuss. I have a tattoo, sue me, I think God will forgive that. I pray every night. I pray every night that my girls have a wonderful life and that I will be a part of it for a long, long time. I thank God every night for blessing me with the two most precious girls in the world and the most amazing friends and family ever. I pray to God that with this schooling I will be able to get a REALLY good job and provide for me and the girls with or without help from anyone else. I pray that the truth will come out about who and what it needs to come out about. I've always believed in God. I've always tried my best to lead my life that way. I'm not one of those who say they believe and act like it for show, but honestly, deep down aren't...and I'm not one that does it for attention. I don't speak of religion a lot. If someone needs that talk, I give them that talk. However, I feel my relationship with God is between myself and God. I don't feel the need to spread it all over facebook or every word I speak to someone involve telling them I'm a Christian and a good person. No one on this Earth cares. You can tell everyone in Statesboro, Georgia you're a Christian...but if you're just saying it...God is going to know. The only one that matters when it comes to religion is YOUR God.

Just my opinion, though.

This blog turned into a ridiculous rant. The things I think of at 1am when Ireland wakes up and then falls asleep, but I cannot. :) Well, tomorrow should be an interesting blog....and definitely a VERY upbeat one. That is, if I don't get my mommy-brain and forget something. :)