Next time I'll be braver; be my own savior; standing on my own two feet.

I think I got some good news from my lawyer today; so everyone just keep the fingers crossed everything works out easily and that I don't have to go to court over this mess. Just an FYI, if I do, it's because someone thinks the child support is outrageous. Just saying, I didn't come up with the figures. That's what happens when you marry a girl, tell her you have intentions of being with her forever; have two kids with her; and then ditch them so you can go out and be a little kid again. That's what happens. You can't expect to give the mother of your children 300 bucks a month to support your kids on. I don't need money. I have clothes and thankfully my parents are kind enough to feed me and let us live here rent free. However, do not think for one second that I'm mooching off of my parents. Every single penny that I've seen from what's-his-face has gone to these girls; and I've bought all but one pack of diapers per baby since they've been here. I've bought the majority of the food; and I pitch in a lot with the milk. That's usually whoever goes to gets it, buys it since we are some milk lovers up in here. haha. ALSO, I change the diapers. I feed the babies. I get up all night with them. I bathe them. I play with them. I get them ready for bed, and I load them in the car when we go places. I take care of them with very little help.

I guess what I'm getting at here is: I'm still a parent. Yes, I get a HELL of a lot more help here than I ever got when I was married; however, they are MY kids. I'm not going to make my parents change their diapers if I'm here or bathe them or anything like that. I say "if I'm here" as in, if I'm not at a shoot or doing something school involved. I haven't spent more than 3 hours away from these girls since I moved home. They are attached at my hip. I'm just the kind of person that doesn't find too much fun in doing anything alone anymore. It's boring to not have to run after kids and say "don't touch that" or clean spit up off of your shirt and change dirty diapers. I don't know what in the world to do if I'm not being a mom. Yes, I know, it's great to have time for me. However, I don't want to have time for me unless they are sleeping. That's the only time I don't feel like I'm being selfish. Even if they weren't here, I would be a mess. I wouldn't want to go out and party. I wouldn't want to whore around or do stupid things. Regardless of if they're here or not, I will be a grown up. I'm going to live my life away from them as I would with them. I'm a role model in their life. I want them to see, mommy cares about them; and when I say don't do that...I teach by example.

Which, is NOT what I can say for the other half of the parenthood. Now, I don't talk bad about him to them. I don't do anything against him. I've tried to get her to point to pictures of him and say Daddy. Her response? "No". I'm sure if he called more than twice in the past 60 days (exactly) that she would at least grasp who he is. She doesn't. The only person she's ever called "Daddy" has been MY daddy...and I do NOT tell her to. Heck, I don't even know where she got it. One day she's not saying Grandma and the next she's calling my mama and daddy both grandma. Now, she's calling him daddy. I have no idea where she gets this stuff. Haha, plus I have no idea where she learned the word "Duck" and how she grasped doing the same hand movements as Steve when he says "Blues Clues" SO fast. And Kealan? She's almost walking; and he's never fed her or changed her diaper. I can count on one hand the amount of times he held her because he WANTED to, not because I had to clean something real quick and he held her. Even then, he didn't cuddle her.

And no, I'm not writing this to make him sound horrible. I'm just ranting again. This wasn't even my intention for the blog. I'm honestly sick and tired of talking about him; but he makes me so mad. Not in a, "I could punch something" way, but in a...."How in the world can people act like that and think it's okay??" way. I'm absolutely baffled. I couldn't do it. Sorry. My kids come first. I would never go to Six Flags one weekend and three days later write my future ex wife saying I can't live off of the money I've been left with. Dude, priorities. Straighten them out.

My intention for this blog is going to be this: women staying with men who hurt them. This isn't directed towards anyone, because I really don't care about anyone's bid-ness, aight? :D This is about how I feel about my situation. A lot happened in my relationship. There are things that I feel and believe someone should never do to another person; especially in a "loving" and "caring" relationship. You should never do anything to hurt another person in ANY way, shape, or form. If you don't know the full story, think really hard and you will know what I'm talking about. If you know what happened, yeah, well...you know what happened.

When I met him, I felt amazing. I had the self-confidence of ...I don't know Helen of Troy. I mean, she's the most beautiful woman in the world. I know I'm NOT the most beautiful woman in the world, but I felt like it. After we got married, that went away so fast it nearly made my head spin; because of the things he did and said. I went from feeling like Helen of Troy to feeling like Quasimodo. Seriously.

I know the smartest thing to do in a situation like I was in, is to leave. Especially if it starts to effect your kids. I wanted to leave; many times. I almost did one day then Ireland got REALLY sick. Then came the "I'm sorry" "I won't do it again" "I love you", and I believed it. I believed it because I was in LOVE; and if there were a chance that my children could grow up with both parents; I wanted that. I gave our relationship the benefit of the doubt. It was the wrong move; and I see that now. Never again, father of my children or not, will I let someone take me for a fool.

If he hadn't left me, I would be so miserable right now. Comparing myself to every other girl; wondering what I was doing wrong. Wondering what I could do to be prettier, funnier, smarter, skinnier, better for him. I was at the point where there was NOTHING left to improve. I was a robot; a stepford wife. I was so happy when he was at work; and when he cam home, my happy went away. That's when I started realizing, our days were numbered if something didn't give. However, I loved him too much to let go. I should have let go. It was stupid to stay.

Looking back, him leaving me was the best thing that has ever happened to me aside from having those two beautiful girls. That's the only reason I don't regret being with him; those girls. Those girls and that it taught me that nothing else in the universe matters but those two little princesses. NOTHING. Not even me.

I can't even see myself dating anyone ever. I just know how horrible I will feel for going out and seeing a guy if my babies are at home or with his family. It would feel sleezy. I know it wouldn't BE sleezy, but it would sure feel that way. Right now, I can look in their eyes and tell them (if they understood me) the truth about everything they ever wanted to know. I want to keep it that way. I don't ever want to lie to them about ANYTHING. Well, unless they ask me where babies come from. I may have to fib on that a bit for a few years.

All I have to say, now, is that if you are in a relationship, and the bad outweighs the good; and you know deep in your heart it won't change; no matter what; leave. If they hurt you; leave. It will happen again and again, and you're going to lose yourself. I lost myself. I'm just now starting to feel like the happy, confident, me that I used to be. Heck, for the past three years I haven't even watched the history channel. Now, I'm doing that again, and writing again. I feel like the braniac ME I used to be.

Marriage and relationships are work. LOVE shouldn't be work. You shouldn't have to force yourself to love someone; or in my case, you shouldn't have to be scared of and feel inferior to the person you love. You shouldn't feel like you NEED them; and they don't need you. It should be mutual. It should be full of respect and loyalty and honesty. It shouldn't be a game; you shouldn't be the yo-yo. Love is easy. Love should always be effortless.