something better is waiting for you.

I can tell you, my emotions, are at a peak right now. I have never felt so hurt, lied to, and used in my life. I always thought I knew who would hurt me the worst in my life. I never thought it would be the person I would marry. Never in a million years did I think my "Prince Charming" would turn out to be the bad guy. It sucks to think about. It sucks to think about how he told me he didn't like her; she was horrible and mean and cheated on him; but the first place he runs to is her when he leaves me. That's what he wants. If that's what he wants, he can have at that. All I have to say, is at least I know people like me for the RIGHT reasons.

I just hate being lied to. It's the number one, most absolutely disrespectful thing any human being can do to another human being. It's knowing you weren't good enough for the truth that hurts you. It's knowing you wasted so much time and energy trying to fix something that the other person never wanted to fix. It's all the days you pretended your fairytale was still perfect when inside you were falling apart.

No one knows what I went through. Maybe one day, I'll share it. I'm getting better about talking about it. A big part of me is ashamed that I let certain things happen to and be done to me. A big part of me thinks everyone is going to look at me as weak after they hear it. I don't care, honestly, but at the same time...I do. It's complicated.

I've lied before. Everyone has. However, after I was lied to by people I cared about, I never did. I never do anymore. It's too complicated to figure out what you told one person and not the other. It's so much easier to just be honest. It may hurt, but it hurts less to know the truth than it does to believe a lie and/or find out later that it was all a lie.

And hypocrites. To say you never want to be like someone who hurt you; then to turn around and be JUST like them...if not worse? It's such a horrible thing to do. I can't stand that.

I really want to know what is wrong with people these days. The whole concept of marriage, love, friendship, and respect has gone down the drain. I just don't understand it. Why is it so hard for people to just be GOOD people these days. Being bad is hard; it's too much work to be horrible or mean to people. Just be honest and treat them like you would want someone to treat you. Especially when you have a wife at home who cooks, cleans, takes care of your kids, and does everything you ever ask at your beck and call. I was like a stepford wife minus the HUGE house, nice shoes, and expensive dresses. I tried my hardest to do everything perfectly; everything to a T. It didn't matter. It wasn't good enough. Things happened that should NEVER happen in a relationship; or to a woman in general. Things were said too; that, as stated above, shouldn't happen in a relationship or to a woman in general.

And you want to know what hurts the most? As badly as I don't want him to win and get the best of me; he is. What he said and did to me is always in the back of my mind. Someone calls me pretty, and I analyze it. Someone calls me smart, and I analyze it. The only thing I don't analyze is someone telling me I'm a great mom, because I am. I will give those girls everything I can.

I take that back; that doesn't hurt the most. THIS hurts the most: looking at your kids...those precious little faces and hearing those sweet voices and wondering what they did wrong to deserve this. They did nothing wrong. They were brought into this world. They see everything with such innocence and wonder. It's amazing. They don't have any idea what's going on; but you know in ten years when the questions start popping up: I'm the one that's going to have to answer for his actions. I don't know if I can. It hurts me so much to know the truth; have so many people not believe me; dreading that the courts won't believe me; but knowing the truth. I would never lie; especially when my babies are involved. They are my life and I will never do anything that will negatively effect them.

I could never do what he's done. Not in a million years. Not even to my worst enemy.
Things like this...the change I saw doesn't happen overnight.
It's not even a change really.
It's just someone getting tired of wearing their mask; getting bored with the amazing things they have in their life and taking of that facade.


I am still in awe at everything that has happened in the past month and a half.
I just can't comprehend it.
I'm much happier. I just feel stupid for putting up with it for so long.
I should be an actress; because I almost made myself believe it would get better.
From January 16, 2009 until April 29, 2011...I watched everything I wanted slowly fall apart; then crash to the ground in pieces. I tried my best to put it back together. I tried my best to keep it from falling and crashing at all; but I couldn't. That's how you find out if something is real, I guess. You give it your all, and if you still lose it: something better is waiting for you.


At least, I'm hoping I'm right.

I'm gonna slip off the ring that you put on my finger; give it a big ol' fling and watch it sink. Down, down, down. There it's gonna lie. Until the lord comes back around.