That's all I need: Prayers. God...and prayers.

So, since the last time that I posted a blog, a lot has happened. I'm honestly emotionally drained from Friday. I just knew everything would go smoothly; I knew that I would be okay. I put the key in the lock and opened the door to the place that I used to call home. There in front of me was the couch that I used to sit on with him and our girls and watch television. There was the computer that we used to sit at; me on his lap, looking things up and listening to music. There was the table we ate dinner at every night. There were the pictures hanging up that he got me for Christmas after he came home from Iraq. A flood of emotions attacked me at once, but I swallowed them and went about my business.

I began to go through my boxes that I had yet to unpack into our home; I ran across pictures. Wedding pictures. Letters he wrote me when he was gone. It took everything I had to keep my composure. How in the world do you go from missing someone so much, making someone think you love them more than anything in the world; and saying "once I get home I'm never letting you go again" ... to letting them go; to leaving them with a heart that hurts every time it beats. I know our relationship had A LOT of issues that I won't speak of; but if you know me you know the issues. It doesn't change, however, that there were some good times. Those are the times that hurt me. I thought it was forever. I thought he loved me as much as I loved him. Reading those things and looking at those pictures seeing how happy I was; hurt me. Most of all: it embarrassed me.

Why?

Because when I look at them, I see a stupid girl. A girl stupid enough to believe that she had found her happily ever after. A girl who was blind to all the things that were going on around her because she was too in love with a silly boy.

People will talk to me and ask questions, and assume that I could be going about this situation completely differently. However, if you don't know what's really happened, don't judge my actions. Don't judge anything I feel, say or do. You weren't in the relationship for almost three years. No one knows that relationship better than I do. No one. So, before you decide to talk to me; remember...that I don't care what you think and I don't want to hear what you think I should be doing. I'm doing what's best for me and my girls and if you don't know the situation then keep your mouth shut and just say "I'm praying for you"...because that's all I need. Prayers. God...and prayers.

I really don't know where to go from here. My life is packed in boxes scattered across two states. My trust doesn't exist. My walls are built up so high. The only people I am allowing in are the people who have been there since day one...my family and girls and one or two ...maybe three friends. God be with the next guy who is stupid enough to want to love me. I'm one broken person. I don't even see a future in the love department for me. All I see are my babies and school and making something of myself and showing those girls ...showing them a STRONG woman; someone who will have their back all the time, no matter what. Someone who doesn't need to rely on anyone else to care for her family. I want to show them a good, strong person. That's all I want in life right now. Yeah, a happily ever after...for real...would be nice one day. Right now...I just want to heal and be a mommy. That's it. That's all I ask God for every night; is to just help me make my babies as happy as I can. That's all I want.

I guess things are getting to me a lot more lately because I've made a lot of big steps in my life recently; and because it's like everything I thought was real was a lie the entire time. I feel so silly for believing in love sometimes. The only reason I will never regret my past is because I wake up to a gorgeous, lively green eyed, blonde haired little girl who calls me mommy; and a beautiful, oh-so-very-happy blue eyed, blonde haired baby who lights up when she sees me in the room. Those are my reasons for everything I do and more. Those are my reasons for everything GOOD and AMAZING in my life.

The one thing I will always love about him, is what he gave me. He gave me those girls, and I will always love that about him.

That may be the only thing; but it's a big thing to me.
The biggest in the world.

I don't know if the heartache will ever stop hurting; but I'm keeping my fingers crossed one day it will. :)


"I've been here a bunch of times. It all starts with the same old lines. 'It's over, baby, it's over.' It knocks you down just like it should; but it goes away, it always goes away. But something about this time feels different. It's like i'm in a fight I'm about to lose.

This might be the heartache that don't stop hurting. That just keeps me working on me that just keeps picking on me. And these might be the tears that keep on falling; that won't stop coming on down; they won't stop raining on down. And baby it's too early to know for certain, that this might be the heartache that don't stop hurting." -Jason Aldean