If I could write a letter to me...

Dear Me,

I just wanted to let you know, that your mama and daddy will drive you crazy. You won't always understand why they are doing what they're doing, but trust me when I tell you all they're doing is looking out for Y O U. You're going to do wrong, but no matter what they will love you and stand by you. Your sister, she's the same way. She may get under your skin with some things she says or does through out your life, but she, too, is just looking out for you. She's going to marry a guy when you're about nine and he's going to end up being like blood-family to you. Later, you're going to have a nephew who will PROBABLY end up being taller than you before he starts kindergarten; but he gives the best little boy kisses ever.


You're going to fall in love THREE times. The first, is in High School. He's going to be your first love. He's going to put you through Hell though. He's going to turn you against your friends and family. He's going to make you feel like crap. Honestly, you're going to love him through all of that, but you don't have to. You'll be okay when he leaves. You will find strength when he leaves. In the process of bettering yourself you're going to befriend someone who will stay your friend for the foreseeable future. She won't ever leave your side, no matter how long it is since you've spoken. She's going to be there when all the craziness of this relationship unfolds, so don't take her for granted...ever.

You're going to love a second time; but it's not as strong as the first love. It's a short love. It's a love you get over, but he will hurt you like nobody's business. After that you will try the single thing for awhile, but it won't work. You're not the "single" kind of person. You don't date. You like relationships. You like stability. So, don't waste your time with the "Dating" thing.

You're going to lose some friends and gain some. Some of the ones you gain are going to turn their backs when you need them most. Some of the ones you lose are going to be there to catch you when you fall. I don't want to say who they are, I'd rather you figure that out on your own. It will mean more that way. Don't worry about not speaking to someone ever again; you will. If they love you, you will. Trust me, the two people you worry about most in life never speaking to you again will always be there for you. Then, there's another friend who has NEVER left your side but you rarely talk to...and she will turn out to be one of the most amazing people in your life. You're in for some surprises. Some are bad...most are good.

There's one friend, who will rip your heart to pieces though. Keep telling yourself, you tried all you could because you did. What's meant to be will be.

Remember that too.

Lastly, is the doozy. The big one. You're going to fall in love...again. I'm not talking short love, high school love, not even romantic movie love. I'm talking about more than that. I'm talking about unconditional, no matter the distance, from the pit of your soul kind of love. The kind of love they used to write about. You're going to think the sun rises and sets in his eyes. You're going to give your heart and soul and every bone and breath in your body to him. His words will be the song you sing; and his arms will be your home.

And he's going to put out that sun. He's going to break your heart and soul and every bone and breath in your body. His words will be candy-coated lies. He will turn his back on you and everything you hold dear. He's going to make you hurt like you've never hurt in your life. He's going to make you cry more than you thought anyone in the world could cry. He's going to try his damnest to steal the life from your veins.

But you know what? I want you to love him, still. I want you to kiss him, still. I want you to jump in, heart open, still. For one, because you're going to be the only person in the world to ever love him that way. This is going to be the ONLY time in his life that he's going to be loved so purely and honestly. But most of all, I want you to love him because you get two amazing gifts from letting him into your heart. One is a little girl with blonde hair and green eyes and the biggest personality you'll ever see in a kid. The other is a blonde haired, blue eyed, dimpled little thing who never stops smiling even when she doesn't feel good.

They will be the light in your life. They will get you through any and everything and they will look at you like you put the stars in the sky. Love him. Let him hurt you because THEY are worth all the pain that you will endure. They are worth everything in your life. They are worth all the tears, and failures, heartbreaks, lies, betrayal. They are worth EVERYTHING good and bad in your life. They are your constant. They will pump life through you. They will make your heart sing.

You will KNOW the sun rises and sets in their eyes. You will give your heart and soul and every bone and breath in your body to these girls and they will do the same to you. Their words will be the song you sing; as will yours for them. Your arms will be their home and their protection; their arms, will be the definition of LOVE to you.

Don't get me wrong. You're going to cry when he leaves you; but it's more for your girls. You're going to lay beside them at night or watch them when they're playing and wonder how someone could do that to them. You're going to be angry because of the pain it's going to cause for them; you're going to want to protect them from EVERY bad thing in the world. It's going to bother you; but just know this: they love you. You're their mother. Nothing in the world can shake that love; take it from you. They know you. They love you. They need you; and you're doing the best job you can. You're one HELL of a mother and don't let ANYONE tell you differently.


One more thing: It's not the end. You're not weak. You're strong. Just because you cry and you have your moments; doesn't mean you aren't strong. You are. You're strong enough to know that crying is okay. You're strong enough to take what has been thrown at you and deal with it. That strength is coming from your girls and your family and friends. You're lucky. You're blessed. And most importantly:

You are never alone.


Sincerely,
You