it sucks to be a good person these days...

It's way too late for me to be awake. I hate thinking. Thinking is never a good thing. Never. Not when you're me. Especially, not after writing a three page (yes, three page) diary entry about how you feel about your life lately.

I don't feel happy anymore. I don't know why. I feel completely bummed about everything. Honestly, having more than one person I care about lie to my face constantly doesn't help. Having thoughts in my head about something I know nothing about doesn't help. Convincing myself that I don't know everything, regardless of what I'm told, doesn't help. Being eight months pregnant and completely hormonal doesn't help. Feeling like I have no one to talk to, doesn't help.

Actually, I take that back.
I have one person I can talk to that completely understands why I feel the way I do.
That person knows who they are.
They hear about it enough from me, they should know.
And I'm thankful for this person, even though we haven't known each other too long.

Why does everyone have the urge to lie? Really? Is it that hard just to fess up and tell the truth? I know I'm not a perfect person. I'm far from perfect.

I burp at the dinner table and don't say excuse me half of the time. I make crude remarks at the most inappropriate times. I eat like a pig, even when I'm not pregnant. I'm gluttonous. I'm jealous. I'm stubborn. I'm mean. I can be so rude. I have the most annoyingly behaving hair out of anyone I know. I worry about things. I get pissed when I can't control something. I cuss just as bad, if not worse, than my husband. I'm messy. I'm a procrastinator. I've done a lot of things that I'm not proud of; I have a past that I'm NOT proud of.

But I'm honest.

I tell it like it is. Whether it's going to suck or not, I tell the truth. I'm prepared to deal with the consequences of my actions. No consequence could be worse than living with the lie for the rest of my life. I'm brutally honest. That hurts people sometimes; but in the end, I've never lost someone because I was TOO HONEST. I've lost people because I wasn't honest enough.

Or because they weren't.

I value honesty more than anything in the world.
It's above love, friendship, trust, happiness, loyalty.
If you can tell me the truth; fess up for what you did wrong; then you'll be forgiven in my eyes and I won't kick your lying ass to the curb.

I've had more than one, more than two, more than three people lie to me within the past week and it's so frustrating. Knowing you aren't worth the truth is the most PISSING off thing in the world. Sad thing is, even when I know I'm being lied to, I deal with it. I let them lie to me, just because I don't want to fight.

I'm getting to the point where I don't care anymore. I expect people to lie to me. I don't expect the truth. I'm apparently not good enough for that anymore.

I wish people would just start being honest with themselves and me.
I don't see how some people can do that. I'm not capable of it anymore.
I've been completely honest for almost a year straight. It's hard to believe, but I honestly have. I don't fake anything. I don't hide things. I don't lie to people about things that do or don't matter. I'm honest. It may take a few minutes or hours for me to get up the guts to say it, but when asked...I never say anything but the truth.

I guess my closing note would be:

It sucks ass to be a good person these days.