sometimes, i guess, it's good to rant...

Usually, I don’t have problems figuring out what to write about when I decide to write. Right now, I have no idea how to begin to say what I want to say. I guess I should forewarn you that I’m going to rant. If you don’t like the fact that I’m ranting, stop right now and go do a survey or something that would be less likely to piss you off. I couldn’t care less. I’m writing this for me; I’m making that clear since people tend to get butt-hurt half the time when I open my mouth. To save your butt from getting hurt; please press the back button on your browser if you don’t have the intestional fortitude to continue. Thanks.

Anyway, I’m going to start off by saying that I absolutely detest hypocrites. I hate people that talk bad about others, but yet find themselves being lesser of a good person than those people they are talking about. I know that I could never do to my family what some people are doing to them. I don’t care how hard something gets, if I’m in it, I’m in it for the long-haul. I would do anything for my family. Things may be hard now, and just because I can find a easy way out for me doesn’t mean I’m going to leave my family hanging to take care of themselves. Good things come to those who wait, right? I would wait. I would wait and help out my family, and then be able to revel later in the fact that it was all worth it. I can never make myself take the easy way out. I’m difficult. I’m a pain in the ass. You can tell me to stop, and I won’t. Especially when it involves my family. They are the world to me, and if I knew that they needed me, there is no way I would tell them I would be there, and then walk away leaving them to wonder if they’re going to be able to keep their house and car. I would never do that to them just so I could be happy, and just so things would be easier for me. The people that do this, too, aren’t man (or in some cases woman) enough to deal with what they’re doing. They ignore it because their guilt is overwhelming. Something is overwhelming me too, and that’s the fact that I don’t care anymore. The emotion of “not caring” is taking me over when it comes to these people. I don’t care if you’re blood or not; my parents are everything to me. I’ve probably given them a hard time in the past five years, but they have never once let me down. They have always been there for me and sacrificed everything to make me happy. How could I do anything less for them? How could THEY do anything less for them? It makes me want to scream because I’m so mad; but at the same time it makes me want to burst into tears because I want to care about the people that are hurting my parents. I want to; but I can’t.

Another thing that bothers me; people saying I’m “strong” for what I’m going through and doing right now. If you don’t know what that is, please press the little ex at the top right corner of your screen. Anyway, people say I’m “strong”. I beg to differ. I’m far from “strong”. To me strong is someone who doesn’t let things get to them when it gets really hard. I let every little thing get to me. I cry all the time from missing him and all the time from being scared out of my mind about being a mom. I worry about them both every second of the day. I can’t focus on anything because they’re both taking over my mind. I ask myself a million times a day, “How are you going to do this for another eight months after he leaves? How are you not going to go insane? How are you going to take care of that little girl by yourself?” I’m scared out of my mind; that’s not strong to me. Maybe it’s just the fact that I don’t feel strong; but I hate it when people say that I’m strong because of that. I’m not. I’m really not. I’m a puddle of emotional goo. The smallest thing makes me lose my mind these days. How is that strong?

Yet, at the same time it bothers me when people also say “I could never do what you’re doing.” Honestly, you could. If you love someone as much as I love him, you could do it. When you find someone that, even though he’s thousands of miles away, is your reason for waking up every morning and going to sleep every night with a smile on your face; then you can do it. It’s not easy, at all. It’s hard to be without someone that you’re used to being around all the time. It’s not like it’s just someone I love halfway across the world. He’s my husband. He’s the father of the baby I’m carrying. He’s my best friend. He’s the one I go to when everything is okay and when nothing is okay. I go to him when I’m pissed off and when I’m sad and when I’m happy and when I’m just in a Hammy-The-Squirrel mood. It’s weird to go from being able to walk into the next room and just talk to him; to go to waiting for a chance to talk to him about it. I will go out with my parents or friends and see something, and I want him to know right at that second about it; I want him to be there with me everytime something happens big or small. I’m not used to him not being right beside me.I’ve been spoiled; so now: It sucks. It’s not easy. I don’t think I will EVER get used to it. Yet, I’m absolutely in love with him, and I can’t imagine doing anything else other than waiting for him to get back. It’s worth it when you love someone like that.

And no, that doesn’t make me strong.

That makes me a girl madly in love with the man of her dreams.
A girl who is willing to do whatever it takes; no matter how much it hurts to do somedays; to make sure that he’s the one she’s going to spend the rest of her life with.

I have no idea what made me want to write this.
I just wanted to get it off of my chest before I went crazy.
Sometimes, I guess, it’s good to rant; even if it is to a little black computer sitting in my lap.

[[A little footnote; don't tell me this is going to make my husband worry about me. Trust me, he read it long before I posted it. Me writing a stupid blog isn't going to make him worry about me, and it sure doesn't make me a bad-wife-who-complains-all-the-time. I rarely complain. I deserve to, but I don't. So, if you think me writing this is a bad thing; just know...he knew all of this way before you. I just felt like writing that to avoid another "incident" like I had a few months ago with my ex-best-friend. :) Kthanks.]]