Why, hello there! It's been awhile.
A lot has happened in the past few weeks. Most of it is still highly dramatic and makes me sick to my stomach to even think about, much less talk about. This may end up being another "rant" blog, so bare with me.
First of all, I honestly didn't think it was going to be this hard. I'm not talking about the "single mom" thing. I'm talking about the, dealing with the "I hate you, but I love you, yet I still want NOTHING to do with you, but you did kind of break my heart into a million pieces and leave me when I still had dreams and plans of a future with you" thing. Some days, I hate him; other days, I miss him. Of course, the missing him is brief once I remember WHAT he left me for; and who he is with every night/day or calling every night and day. Not to mention the whole "deciding being a dad is too hard" thing. Yes, I'm feeling the quotes tonight.
Also, stop with the whole "I'm keeping everyone from the girls" crap. It's annoying. I'm not keeping ANYONE from them; everyone is just using a certain thing as an excuse; and I will get to that way later (like in a different blog). Just know, everyone has ample opportunity to see and speak to my girls; and no one has taken that opportunity and honestly it's not MY job to ask if you would like to see or speak to them. If you do; you call them. If you want to see them or speak to them YOU make the effort, because frankly, I'm too busy raising them unlike some people I know.
One more thing, you canNOT be a parent when it's "convenient" for you. This isn't directed towards just one person. It just makes me sick. They rely on you; they love you; and they'd rather be with you than anyone else in the world. Partying and all of that; is so lame compared to them. Anytime I've had a break from the babies, I have never gone out and drank. I just can't. Probably because I know my actions with or without them effect them; and I think about them before anything else. Probably because I'm too freakin' bummed when they aren't here to even really enjoy anything other than maybe a movie...but the whole time I'm talking about them. I wouldn't trade being a mom...a parent...ever. Nothing in the world brings me more joy than that. I don't care about being a little kid anymore. I want to raise my girls, have yo gabba gabba marathons until my head hurts because of Muno's high pitched voice, eat junk food, and play in our pajamas all day. That's what I LIVE for. I don't live for me anymore. I live for those girls. If they're happy: I'm happy. That's it. It's simple.
I'm so ready for all of this stress to GO AWAY. This whole, am I going to have to go to court because someone wants to have their cake and eat it too...plus school starting; plus the girls; plus finishing moving in and settling here...PLUS figuring out this whole car situation SINCE...well...I've been left without a "baby friendly" vehicle. Again...another blog; another time. The only side effect of this stress is NO sleep...and I want sleep. So, people...PRAY this stuff gets over with FAST...also pray that the truth comes out about certain people. I'm mama bear and I just don't like the idea of my babies being raised a certain way. This blog sounds very angry. I'm not angry, though. I'm just annoyed. Annoyed that I still have to bite my tongue. Annoyed that I'm the bigger person. Actually, no, I'm not annoyed that I AM the bigger person; I'm annoyed that there has to BE a bigger person in this situation. I'm all for being the civil, smart, mature one. I just wish there weren't the opposing side.
*shrugs* Eh, what are ya gonna do about it?
Actually, I'll tell you what I'm going to do: Raise my girls. Graduate OTC. Get a nursing degree. Get a PA degree. Get a REALLY good job. Get my own place. And get that car that HE always wanted just to rub it in his face in the nicest way possible...ohhhh, and marry a doctor that looks like Johnny Depp and Brantley Gilbert's love-child. ...Okay don't try to picture the process, just picture the beautiful being that would be. Ha.
Anyway, it's late...and my head hurts...from Muno's HIGH pitched voice (you guessed it) so, g'night. :)
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